University Thoughts

Messing around with my hair and diddly-daddling on a thought paper. At least I’m in good spirits. I don’t know why I’m in such a good mood. Maybe because I took a nap. Or because I’ve almost finished my paper. Or perhaps I just enjoy that I’m taking a short procrastination break, or I got some compliments on my scarf choice today. I don’t know. I just feel good. Content. Like I am excited and passionate about something today. Like I have something to say. I don’t feel so helpless. I don’t feel so passive. I usually feel a lot like I’m trying to survive, but I’m not panicky today. My anxiety feels low. Maybe it’s because of that mock therapy session I did with Jessica today - my first one! I felt comfortable. Listening felt natural. Even though it was hard to only use nonverbal cues for 25 minutes, I felt like I was in the right place. I knew when I moved here that I was supposed to be here. I feel better about that decision today. I also had a research idea today.
I looked into the Lakota Pine Ridge Reservation today. I knew a girl at Colgate who started her own non-profit for the children there and has done some amazing work - Maggie Dunne, you are a champ - so I looked up the non-profit’s website today. On the ‘get involved’ page, there was a section for graduate students doing research. I’m interested in the schools and how mental health care is distributed on reservations, so I might keep this opportunity in mind. I’m aware that I am a total outsider in this situation, that I am white and middle class, but I want to be an ally. I want to be able to study the mental health situation on reservations because I want to provide useful feedback. I owe so much more than that, but my skill set is psychology-based, and this is what I have to give.

Messing around with my hair and diddly-daddling on a thought paper. At least I’m in good spirits. I don’t know why I’m in such a good mood. Maybe because I took a nap. Or because I’ve almost finished my paper. Or perhaps I just enjoy that I’m taking a short procrastination break, or I got some compliments on my scarf choice today. I don’t know. I just feel good. Content. Like I am excited and passionate about something today. Like I have something to say. I don’t feel so helpless. I don’t feel so passive. I usually feel a lot like I’m trying to survive, but I’m not panicky today. My anxiety feels low. Maybe it’s because of that mock therapy session I did with Jessica today - my first one! I felt comfortable. Listening felt natural. Even though it was hard to only use nonverbal cues for 25 minutes, I felt like I was in the right place. I knew when I moved here that I was supposed to be here. I feel better about that decision today. I also had a research idea today.

I looked into the Lakota Pine Ridge Reservation today. I knew a girl at Colgate who started her own non-profit for the children there and has done some amazing work - Maggie Dunne, you are a champ - so I looked up the non-profit’s website today. On the ‘get involved’ page, there was a section for graduate students doing research. I’m interested in the schools and how mental health care is distributed on reservations, so I might keep this opportunity in mind. I’m aware that I am a total outsider in this situation, that I am white and middle class, but I want to be an ally. I want to be able to study the mental health situation on reservations because I want to provide useful feedback. I owe so much more than that, but my skill set is psychology-based, and this is what I have to give.

Entering into “The Suck”

That’s what the older cohorts are saying anyways. And today, I feel it. There is nothing more I want to do right now than to curl up on the tiny couch in my office and fall asleep. I’m am both emotionally and physically tired and I’m afraid that I will be useless in my class this afternoon. I feel that Intervention I is going to be one of the most important classes I take as a future therapist, and yet I feel unprepared and unenthusiastic today. Part of it is my exhaustion. I haven’t gotten enough sleep because of trying to read the readings for class and even when I do get to bed, it takes me a long time to shut off my mind and fall asleep. Yet I am convinced if I lied down right now, I would be asleep in an instant.

I am also emotionally tired right now. This morning, group supervision was extremely intense, and full of “the suck.” One of the students admitted to academic dishonesty and the others in my group responded with expressions of their negative emotions and disappointment. Then, another student expressed her discontent with the negative atmosphere and the dynamic of our group. I’m feeling all too lost about the whole situation. This is only my third clinical supervision and there were a number of tears and frustrations, and I feel like all of this is too much with the rest of adjusting to grad school right now.

I have had one full week of classes now. The reality of the school year and the long path ahead of me are setting in. I’m already feeling attached to my cohort as my family away from home, and my roommates have made this stressful life bearable, but today is the first day where I feel like I’ve had enough, that I need a little more time to process what is going on and remember that I need to take care of myself.

They don’t joke when they talk about self-care in psychology. Some will claim that it is a nice aspiration, but a hard reality to achieve. As hard as it is, I can never give that up. That’s one of the reason’s why I keep this blog. So this afternoon, I will power through for a few more hours, write up an assignment when I get home, and then go to sleep. And I will sleep until my body wakes me up and tells me that I have healed enough to move on to the next day.

And maybe I will have learned something from this formative week.

I put on my brave face for today’s selfie. I finished my first day of grad school. No major bumps today, but I’m struggling with my readings for tomorrow and I’m worried that I’m already a little behind. I want to stay up and finish - but I’m tired from waking up early this morning. I tried to look awake but the dark circles give me away. The only think left on my mind is that I need to trim my nails before going to bed. I’ve been putting it off, but it’s important for me to remember the principle of self-care (and self-love i might add). Things will get better. With no classes on Friday, I’m planning on going into my office to plan out a time budget for the weekend and work on my assignments for next week. So far, grad school is like trying to conquer a high ropes course without a harness. The dropout rate is high, but there is a thrill to the difficult challenges, and patience is the key to getting through. Also, tomorrow I’ll have my first experience as a TA. I can, and I will, do this.

I put on my brave face for today’s selfie. I finished my first day of grad school. No major bumps today, but I’m struggling with my readings for tomorrow and I’m worried that I’m already a little behind. I want to stay up and finish - but I’m tired from waking up early this morning. I tried to look awake but the dark circles give me away. The only think left on my mind is that I need to trim my nails before going to bed. I’ve been putting it off, but it’s important for me to remember the principle of self-care (and self-love i might add). Things will get better. With no classes on Friday, I’m planning on going into my office to plan out a time budget for the weekend and work on my assignments for next week. So far, grad school is like trying to conquer a high ropes course without a harness. The dropout rate is high, but there is a thrill to the difficult challenges, and patience is the key to getting through. Also, tomorrow I’ll have my first experience as a TA. I can, and I will, do this.

j5h:

if this is what being a middle aged adult is like i can’t wait

(Source: madisams, via sam-wisegamgee)

I have officially moved to Fairbanks and my roommate’s cat has adopted me!

I have officially moved to Fairbanks and my roommate’s cat has adopted me!

uafairbanks:

"DOUBLE RAINBOW at university of Alaska Fairbanks at midnight. Simply amazing! I saw it from my window after working on calculus III homework for about 8 hours. I was out of breath from both from the view and the fact that I ran down the stairs in flip flops."

Summer job is going well! I’m blogging about that too. You can read about my creations at froyoguru.tumblr.com. As a warning, your mouth may start watering.

I’m also looking for a laptop for grad school. My one that I bought in August broke and my Dad and I took it to get repaired. To our dismay, the part that needed to be replaced no longer is produced and cannot be ordered. I’m sad, but I’ve promised my parents that this time the laptop will be mine. I’m going to pay for it. I’m thinking this time around I will finally get a Mac, but I’m also not sure I’m ready to go over to the dark side. Anyone got a recommendation?

In psych news. I got the DSM-V as a graduation present. I skimmed the contents, but I’d like to do a little bit of in-depth reading this summer. I was totally nerding out when I flipped through the pages. I think this will be a handy tool for grad school.

My apartment lease is signed. My flight is booked. It’s really happening. I’m moving to Alaska. I’m studying Clinical Psychology. This is my life.

34 days until Fairbanks.

My hair is long enough for a ponytail (sort of)! Also, I started a summer job last week at Orange Leaf, a frozen yogurt shop. It’s pretty simple and I like the people I’m working with, but I really just want to be in Alaska. Well, I do get one free yogurt per shift, so that’s a perk. Maybe I’ll see if my friends can hang out tomorrow or Thursday. I mostly feel bored and unproductive. My mom and I are going swimming later to cool down from this summer heat. I think I’ll go read a book now.

My hair is long enough for a ponytail (sort of)! Also, I started a summer job last week at Orange Leaf, a frozen yogurt shop. It’s pretty simple and I like the people I’m working with, but I really just want to be in Alaska. Well, I do get one free yogurt per shift, so that’s a perk. Maybe I’ll see if my friends can hang out tomorrow or Thursday. I mostly feel bored and unproductive. My mom and I are going swimming later to cool down from this summer heat. I think I’ll go read a book now.

My eyes are looking exceptionally blue today. I also signed the lease for my apartment in Fairbanks. I wish it was August already!

My eyes are looking exceptionally blue today. I also signed the lease for my apartment in Fairbanks. I wish it was August already!

Killin’ it! Race for the Place 5k - My time was 43:47, not my best, but it made for a great outing with my mom and sister.

Killin’ it! Race for the Place 5k - My time was 43:47, not my best, but it made for a great outing with my mom and sister.